My husband operates in crisis mode. Granted, he has tons things to handle right now, and it’s not always easy to accomplish everything quickly enough to keep up. However, his general way of managing his time is to do something right before it needs to be done…which, frequently, does not leave enough time to do the task without it becoming a crisis for him and someone else’s problem.
Have you ever heard the phrase “A problem on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part?” That doesn’t always apply in marriages.
For example: my husband and I divide up the finances. I handle the daily household expenses, the medical expenses, and the business expenses, while he handles the monthly bills, insurance, and our investments. Yesterday he remembered the car payment is due on Tuesday, so it must be dropped off Monday morning. He has to go to work. So, his problem becomes my crisis, because I already had several things scheduled for today…things scheduled weeks in advance.
Obviously, I am going to make the car payment. One of my many jobs as a family manager is to take care of the family needs.
However, I also need to take care of his expectations regarding my time.
By managing my husband’s expectations, I do not mean yelling at him for being such an idiot as to not be keeping track of when the car payment is due, especially when it is due the same time every month. Picking a fight isn’t going to change anything and is only going to cause another problem.
I also do not mean that I should make him do it himself. That isn’t supportive. Besides, in this case, he can’t…he’ll be out-of-town during banking hours.
I also don’t think giving him a lecture about everything I do will make a difference. Badgering him isn’t going to foster closeness, nor is it going to change his perception of what I do.
What I do is, I ask him to help me prioritize what needs to be done. Not tell me what needs to be done…this is my job, after all, and he isn’t my boss…but work with me to help me get the important things accomplished.
As Jerry McGuire said, “Help me help you.”
When my husband approached me with the car payment issue, I told him, in essence (I can’t quote my exact words–I don’t remember them exactly), “I can make that car payment. However, I also have to bake and decorate two cakes tomorrow, as we’ve talked about, and I need to homeschool and take the children to dog conformation tomorrow night as I do every Monday, and, for that, the dog needs to be bathed and groomed. I wasn’t planning a trip out, and this is an hour plus gas round trip. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should manage this?”
What am I trying to accomplish? I’m not complaining about what I have to do, nor am I rubbing it in his face about all I have to do. Instead, I’m working on getting him to think about what I have to do…so that, hopefully, he begins to learn that what I do around here is work, an actual job with actual responsibilites…I’m not “just at home” with lots of time on my hands to run out and do what he believes to be a quick and simple errand.
In other words, I’m working on managing his expectations about my time.
I’m working on doing this with others as well. When I get called upon to do a last-minute project, to donate my time, to help in a way that is difficult for me, I may agree very cheerfully but will never say, “Not a problem!” Don’t make something sound easy if it isn’t, or that person or organization will frequently return to you because you are “always available.” Don’t fall into that trap!
If I can’t do something for someone, I’ll tell them I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work into my schedule. That is supposed to work and what advice articles tell us to do. Yeah, right…if saying a simple “no” worked, then we wouldn’t get guilted into doing things. “Oh, but we’re in such a mess… couldn’t you just?…Your support means so much…” Recently I’ve started turning the tables on the pushy people, but in a very polite, respectful,and happy (NOT sarcastic) tone of voice. “I have X, Y, and Z to do. Could you do one of those things for me so I can do Q for you?” “I have many projects on my schedule at the moment and am unable to add any more at this time.” “I’ll be happy to help you in the future with more advanced notice.” Let people know that you respect your time and yourself.
As a very last resort, if someone is being insensitive enough to keep countering your “no,” try this (I’ve done this twice and it’s worked fabulously!): “Why won’t you respect my answer?” I don’t think you are rude if you do this. First of all, the person badgering you is being rude plus disrespecting you. Second, you are maintaining your healthy boundaries. Sometimes you have to say something uncomfortable to make this soft-bullying stop. These people are counting on you to be the nice guy, and believe they are only “gently” persuading you. (Both times I’ve done this I got an immediate defensive “Oh, no! I understand!” and some quick thank-you-anyway sort of comments before they get off the phone. They also haven’t asked for anything again.)
Do I feel bad when I push back? Of course I do! I’m human, and I hate confrontation. I also hate getting stuck doing something I absolutely do not want to do and makes my life more difficult…and I hate being miserable to my family, who also end up paying for my inability to say “no” as I grumble about what a pain in the rear end this is. But, really, why should my family and I suffer instead of taking the short, uncomfortable step of sticking up for myself?
Do NOT give reasons for saying no whenever possible! Think about car salesmen…they ask lots of questions right off the bat (“Are you trading in? What are you thinking for monthly payments?” etc.) because the more information they have, the more arguments they can give you to counter your “no.” When someone wants something from you, many will unconsciously do the same thing…they argue their way into making you do something that is difficult for you. Stick to general answers such as “I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work into my schedule” so that person cannot argue with you about your schedule.
Remember, no means “no.” It is not selfish to stand by your answer, or even give it in the first place. It is respectful of both your time and other people’s time.
(As for my car payment issue, my husband wasn’t able to help me come up with another solution, but he was very gracious that I am doing it and offered to give me a shoulder massage. He probably wouldn’t have been so thankful if I had yelled at him for it–although I sure wanted to. Hopefully, this will help him remember not to do this again. Hopefully.)
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