Seriously…why should I pay a therapist eighty to a hundred dollars for forty-five minutes of his or her time listening to me complain about my marriage problems or all the things about my husband that irritate me, when I can spend that much or much less out on the town actually enjoying my husband or, if need be, talking to him face-to-face in a pleasant place about things which need to be resolved?
Don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying therapy is bad or can’t be helpful!
But I have been wondering lately if we took more time to play, to be attentive to each other, to not get stuck in the ruts of the day-to-day essentials where each and every day is just like the other, if we didn’t pick on each other in frustration, if we stopped complaining about the things that irritate us because we’re tired and stressed and don’t care how insignificant it really is because we’re just on the verge of snapping…if we valued our relationship enough to make time for it, even if only an hour a week, just something…if we couldn’t avoid more therapy and divorce.
I don’t want my husband to forget the woman he married. Heck, I don’t want to forget the woman he married! I want to both feel great about the person I am and have a husband who looks forward to coming home to both me and the kids at the end of the day. I want my husband to know that I love him for being more than a breadwinner and a great father…I want him to know I love him because he is a great person and a man…my man! I want my children growing up seeing a loving relationship between two people, not just two people living together and trying to raise kids.
Okay, so, before you start thinking “This woman is nuts–I don’t have time or money to go out, and certainly no time to get dressed up, and I doubt I own anything that hasn’t been spit up on, and my husband couldn’t even remember to take the trash out with him on his way to the car this morning and I really don’t feel close to him at the moment, and how am I supposed to add this to all the things I already do?” hear (or read) me out just a moment more.
There have been so many times when I have been absolutely furious with my husband, or the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with his bad mood, or thought that if I’m nice to him when he’s being a jerk it will only send the message that it’s okay if he acts that way with me, and why should I be nice when he owes me. He and I have had some big bumps along the way, and there were several times I thought of just throwing in the towel, so to speak.
I’ve also had days where I thought planning anything special with my husband was just one more “chore” to add to my ever-growing list of things to get done, and I often felt resentful that I had to do the work. Why didn’t he think of it?
At some point I recognized something we all say but rarely do: I’m not going to change him, but I can change myself and my attitude. Rather than think, “Why should I? He’s not making an effort,” I decided to make myself happy and stop waiting for someone else to do it. It wasn’t just a matter of being nice or doing something nice for him… it was taking care of and respecting myself. Funny thing…when I started to do that for myself, my husband started being nicer to me.
There are certainly times and situations where therapy is warranted get over difficult trials in a marriage. I also think there are just some rotten husbands husbands out there–the abusers and such. A few dates won’t change those circumstances.
I do think that, for a lot of relationships, remembering why the two of you got married in the first place and spending some time having fun can foster closeness and make it a little easier getting through the tough times. I do know that, in my case, once I started taking care of myself and then giving some attention to my husband–whether I felt like he “deserved” it or not–my marriage improved.
Usually, our “date” consists of having dinner together in the kitchen once a week after all the kids have gone to bed. The kids know that we’re having “couple time,” and the older two have remarked a few times that they think it’s “sweet.” And, yes, I’m dressed up, and my husband wears his work clothes (shirt and tie). Okay, cheesy, and my husband and I laugh about it, but that’s part of the fun!
Sometimes we do venture out…we have several small, cute local restaurants and lounges in the small town not far from our rural home. We’ve had several discussions over a glass of wine about our challenges, our fears, our dreams, and the fun things we’re doing separately. We also play together. Once I got a fifty-percent discount coupon for bowling. Neither one of us can bowl, and we spent the evening laughing hysterically at how bad we were…and having a great time! We’ve also been miniature golfing (with a fifty-percent off coupon), amusement parks (another fifty-percent off coupon…see, I do this on the cheap!), and other places that most people think of going to when they are dating before marriage or to which they take the kids.
Last week I was talking to a friend who asked me, “I thought money was tight for you right now…how can you afford to go out with your husband?” I told her spending fifteen dollars for two drinks and a tip once a month was much less expensive than the alternatives…that we could end up estranged and in therapy or worse. She thought I was nuts. Maybe I am. But my marriage is better now that we date than when we were both letting work and kids come first, and my children are happier because their parents don’t argue as much as they used to. I call that a good thing.
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