Ever feel like telling your spouse and children to “get a clue?” Like when your husband can’t figure out what cold medicine to take without informing you of every single symptom he has for the fourteenth time while he moans standing in front of the medicine cupboard incapable of reading the medicine labels himself? Or when your child is told to clean the baseboards and he or she sprays cleaner on them and passes a towel over them, leaving a huge chunk of gunk behind? Or (add your favorite here)?
I think I figured out today why this sentiment occurs to me so frequently.
My husband and children do have a clue. It’s me.
I consider myself a rather traditionalist kind of woman; however, I just cannot buy into this idea that men are the “leaders” of the home. I am the one planning the budget, organizing the family calendar, organizing the holidays, organizing the purchase and distribution of clothing, making appointments, planning and cooking the meals, cleaning the house, scheduling home repairs, taking the children to appointments and activities, seeing that everyone knows when activities occur, etc. My husband has no clue what goes on around here; he looks to me for guidance every day. What tie matches his shirt? Where did he leave his hammer? What time are we meeting his friends for dinner?
To say the above is not to diminish my husband’s role, importance, and value to our family. He earns most of the money that pays most of the bills, he maintains the cars (he loves cars, I hate them), and fixes the lawn tractor that breaks down at least once a month. He’s an incredibly loving, attentive, hand-on father. He’s a passionate, fantastic husband. He is always wanting and eager to support all of us financially, emotionally, etc.
But he is not the go-to person around here. I am.
And, therefore, I am his clue.
It’s the same for my children. Yes, there are some things that are so obvious that I wonder if they have Swiss cheese for brains when they do not do what is so clearly the intelligent thing to do. However, children are adults-in-training; they do not think of things the way we do, or share our priorities or outlooks. Plus, they are human beings; we can’t expect perfection from them.
So I’m their clue, too. It’s my job.
We are extremely important when it comes to setting the mood and direction of the family. There’s a reason why the saying is “If Mama ain’t happy…” and not “If Daddy ain’t happy…” (although life isn’t pleasant when husbands are disgruntled, either). I also believe that one of the many reasons why spouses and children frequently do not “have a clue” is they look to us for their example; and, as we are busy doing the plate-spinning routine, we don’t always provide them with the example they need. They go off and spin plates, too. Then we are frustrated when we have to step in because they can’t manage their own plates. It’s nothing more than a downward spiral, so to speak.
Okay, so now that I’ve antagonized the traditionalists who hold that men are the natural leaders of the home, let me now go and irritate the feminists by saying it really is the role of the mother to get herself organized and put together in order to guide the family and set a good example. I don’t care how “not fair” that is: ultimately, we do know that, when we have our acts together, things run much more smoothly for everyone. Kids are happier. Men are happier. And, sometimes, yes, we’re exhausted and worn out…especially when we do not take care of ourselves along with everyone else. (I’m not advocating slavery here. The only way we can take care of others is to have a self from which to give. For the most part, if you take care of yourself first, then you are prepared to take care of everyone else.)
So, the next time my husband calls and says, “Hey, I’m downtown…where did you tell me you needed me to go? What do I need to pick up?” I’m not going to grouse and tell him to get a clue and write it down or I told him three times and he needs to remember this himself. I’m going to tell him I love him, thank him for doing the errand, and tell him what I need. Again. And shake my head to myself. And smile. Because I’m needed and important…and I have a clue.
The above post is in no way to diminish the value and contributions of husbands. To claim “I am his clue” is not to claim that he is incompetent and he doesn’t do anything for the family, nor that I am narcissistic about that which I do. Rather, he fulfills a different role; we are equal in that we each contribute according to our strengths. My strengths are being a woman, wife, mother, and running this house. It’s hard, rewarding work. His strengths are being a man, husband, father, and provider. Both are just as valuable.
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